M&M's Jar

Psst.. ikaw, oo tama ikaw nga.

Halika at magkalinawan tayo, tutal ngayon lahat na ng karapatan ay nasa akin.
May karapatan na akong magsalita ng lahat ng gusto kong sabihin at wala ka ng magagawa upang mapigilan pa ito.

Lahat ay may bahid ng dumi, sa totoo lang gusto man ng tao na sundan ang yapak ng diyos, minsan talaga nagkakamali ng landas. Madaling magpatawad ang diyos, gayun din naman ang tao -- pinapatawad ang mga taong nagpapakumbaba at umaamin ng mga kasalanan nila.

Psst.. kinakausap kita makinig ka, akala mo ba hindi para sayo yung sinabi ko? Wag mong itago ang dumi mo, wag mong walisin ang mga mismis patungo sa ilalim ng basahan, dahil pag yan ay pinagpag, lalabas lahat ng alikabok sa ere -- wag kang magmalinis na akala mo ay walang kang ginawa o ginagawang masama! Wag mong itago sa mga ngiti mong mala - anghel ang lahat. Tuso din kami gaya mo -- pinapanood ang lahat ng kilos at galaw mo. Tama na ang panloloko mo sa iba.

Wag mo kong talikuran at hindi pa ako tapos.

Alam kong tuwing maririnig mo ang pangalan ko ay di ka mapakali, lalo na siguro pagnakarinig ka ng mga papuri no? Tumatawa ako ng malakas ngayon alam mo kung bakit? Dahil alam kong gusto mo man kumontra, e wala sa ugali mo ang kumontra ng iba dahil masisira ang pinakaiingatan mong reputasyong mabait ka.

Naawa ako sayo. Alam mo kung bakit? Dahil hindi ka nagiisa. Nakakapagtaka ba kung bakit ako naawa samantalang hindi ka nagiisa? Dahil halos lahat ng taong umiinog sa mundo mo ay ginagawa sayo ang ginagawa mo. Sinasabi ko na nga ba, may araw ka din at lumalapit ng lumalapit ito paunti- unti sayo.

Alam ko ngayon gusto mo na tumakbo sa mga sinasabi ko, wag kang magalala patapos na. Tumigil ka na sa paninira ng iba. Alam mo na ang sinasabi ko, hindi ka man nagtagumpay sa akin -- wala kang pagasa -- tigilan mo na sa iba. Manawa ka naman!

At kung pinapahalimuyak mo man ang pangalan ng iba kasabay ng pangalan mo, pwes may kanya-kanyang hilig pagdating sa amoy ang bawat tao -- siguraduhin mo lang na ito ay magugustuhan nila dahil, wala pa akong nakitang tao na mahilig sa masangsang na amoy!

Sige lumayas ka na sa harap ko at tapos na ako magsalita. Sana magtanda ka.

P.S. Tamaan na ang tatamaan dito. Para ito sa mga taong may mataas ang katungkulan na wala naman talagang alam gawin kung hindi kabulastugan at puro katangahan, sa mga pulitikong mahilig mamulitiko at sa mga piniling magpatama sa mga sinulat ko. At para din pala to dun sa dalawang sinungaling na nakilala ko. Malas.

I should have never liked
I should have stopped
I have tried to control
But everything just seem to roll

"November"
Can't I just stop the time?
Or fast forward it to December?
Is it? or is it not a crime?

"I don't want to open my eyes"
That is what he cries
"For I'll just see something I want"
Limit -- should only remain a want

Wake me up from the deep sleep
Vanish all the memories I keep
Could you find happiness in shadows?
Does peace occur in burrows?

"November"
Is it over?
Or is it just the start?
It's aiming its poisonous dart

Worrying is not
This is finish. -- period, dot.
I know where's my space
And the exact location of my place

-- moonlight*>)

I should have never liked
I should have stopped
I have tried to control
But everything just seem to roll

"November"
Can't I just stop the time?
Or fast forward it to December?
Is it? or is it not a crime?

Wake me up from the deep sleep
Vanish all the memories I keep
Could you find happiness in shadows?
Does peace occur in burrows?

"November"
Is it over?
Or is it just the start?
It's aiming its poisonous dart

Worrying is not
This is finish. -- period, dot.

I know where's my space
And the exact location of my place

-- moonlight*>)

I'm staring blank at the wall
Almost remembering it all
It's fluttering inside my head
Memories, it makes me dead

Everything formed questions
Everyone raised suggestions
No answers were found
I remain astound

Every ingredients you poured
I wasted it, became you bored
The past I've unintentionally ignored
You just got sick of it ---
I'm left alone, watching as you soared

-- moonlight*>)

And the music played,

Everything flashed back, it's like scanning an album of many yesterdays inside my head.
Every little things you've done, several letters you've made, indirectly telling me that you are thankful you have me.
Times you sent simple messages to me, but strongly saying that it's just because you remembered me.

Few gifts that you gave, but were and will always be special. Why? It's not because you rarely give gifts but -- as you said in the card you gave me "this is not me."

And the music is still playing..

It's quite unbelievable -- I can't put it into words, I am suddenly blocked.
I don't want to admit but I think, I've let you passed my life. I think "taken for granted" are the words that would fit right though I know I've been good to you. Maybe not good enough or not equivalent to the goodness you showed me.

And the music ended.

I realized I want to start it again but I think, it already ended without me noticing.

"I love you too stupid, can`t you see the reason why i`m acting like this towards you it`s because i realize that you`ll never be by my side and i try to push you away to ease your pain somehow by picturing me as someone undeserving of your feelings...that`s my selfless act towards you."

That's what he said. Lately I've been breaking rules and standards in my life -- now I have learned that love can be found anywhere. Though it is quite confusing to know that love really occurs or if its really happening to you, maybe if you just stop analyzing the meaning of it too deeply, you will see the real and simple meaning of it.

It's hard to admit but just so you know and I thank you for that.

I'm back into gaming world hell yeah! My NDS Lite is now awake from its hibernation on top of my desk.

I am a Nintendo Baby. I grew up playing Nintendo Family Computer, Nintendo SNES, Nintendo Game Boy and up to this point -- I own a Nintendo DS lite.



Even if at first Nintendo DS can't play MP3 and video, browse the internet via WiFi or even store a picture, I still chose to have it. Why? Number one, since I live a life with several Nintendo gaming consoles, I believe that Nintedo will launch many things for NDS, to make its amazing features far more --amazing and number 2, since it was amazingly created (has a built in mic and a touch screen) people who have imaginative and creative minds will make softwares or whatever for this device.

Elaborating number 2 first, I want to thank people who made the R4 storage gadget, because of it, I can now play music and video, browse the internet via Wifi, store pictures, even read an E-book, also make it into a PDA! I'm so much fulfilled having NDS Lite + the R4 even if it's very challenging when it comes to how-tos of installing everything on it. It's ok, I love challenges :p

Yes. Nintendo launched (and will still be launching) things for it to be more geared up in the fast phase gaming world. Besides the amazing games, (where you could operate a person -- one of my favorites, Cooking Mama need I say more? and of course the New Super Mario Bros. who doesn't like Mario?) NDS have these features:

Nintedo DS could help you in cooking/kitchen problems by the "Cooking Guide" (and I have it at last!) where in NDS would be your assistant chef! Since it has a built in Mic you could "talk" to your NDS and ask the steps on how to cook a certain dish or simply how to cook rice properly! (I don't know how :p)



Guitar Freak? Nintendo DS could simulate playing guitar in two ways: One is thru "Jam Session" where in the touch screen feature could be strum like a guitar and the buttons are programmable guitar tabs. You could even record you own tune and sing through it. Nice one! The other one is thru "Guitar Hero" where in you have an external device to be put into slot 2 of NDS and you're ready to rock!

What else? Nintendo now has a TV feature!! Hahaha! external mini-antenna device to be put into slot 1! Imagine, TV for a gaming device and it's NINTENDO!

Lastly, (which is I'm kind of annoyed :p) there is a baby in the NDS family, Nintendo DS i -- built in camera but still as handy as the one I love, NDS lite. Hmmmm.... I'll think deeply if I'm going to get that :p

It will be a very long blog if I will list every feature that NDS have, so that's it from a Nintendo Baby like me.

P.S. even if PSP has Tekken "the game made for me" (haha!) -- I'll just borrow someone's PSP.

My lips are now sealed
My ears are now closed
My eyes will stop and that's what I chose

If being here is a mistake
Then let me put my life at stake
I know you are just worried, it's obvious when we chat
But how will I grow if you'll not let me venture on that

I'm big enough to know where to go
All I want is your support and start to let me know
I don't need the murmuring of cons
I don't need offs, just push me to the ons

Your understanding is important to me
It's the very best help, it would be
If you want to see me on the top
Then pulling me away from what I want to do should be stop

I'll only tell this once here and maybe it wil be my last time to feel down about this stupid topic.

I'm sorry if I am not your daughter who would make gazillions of money because I am born to love science. I'm sorry to disappoint you regarding my future plans that I will have my masteral degree to be JUST A PROFESSOR whom you call "teacher lang pala bagsak mo e" and to disappoint you more when I said after masteral degree I want to have PhD and you still see it as "yun na nga teacher ka pa din".

I'm sorry if I am after life fullfilment than a swimming pool of money -- the one you always wanted. I'm sorry if you always feel bad if I am still not having tons of money today, money is your measurement of success and I'm still a failure.

I'm sorry if I am not born to be like you, happy doing sales. I could be in marketing, I wittily replied but you said "hindi ka pwede dun, kasi ang marketing kakabit lagi ng sales at mahina ka sa sales part". I'm sorry for insisting biology as my course in college as you always tell me "sabi mo noon ok ang biology bakit wala ka pa din ngayon". I'm sorry if I always answer you that I need your support for this and I always get your answer "bakit kasi hindi ka na lang nag business management or marketing e" .

I'm sorry that I am not molded the way you want me to be, you see me as very impractical person, I'm sorry I only felt the molding hands of people around me especially the one who taught me what I want to do in life -- and this incident you did not even see.

I'm sorry if I now sacrificing and will choose to do something I did not even want to do and you did not even want me to do -- this is just because I need and choose to self support. I did not win your support.

"Muntik ka pa magka Gold napulitika ka lang, ang ganda ng pundasyon mo, maayos ka nagaral, hindi ka bagsakin kahit papano Lasalista ka kumpara mo sa iba, pero tignan mo yung iba kahit papaano ang dami ng pera ngayon succesful na".

I'm sorry you have a daughter who is JUST a biologist, whom you never see that it will be the best for her, whom you never support to excel more in what she wanted to do, whom you will always put down --because up to now, you never see how succesful she is and would be if she is in that field.

1) Kung gusto mong humawak pa kahit matagal ka ng nakabitin, sige humawak ka lang hangga't kaya mo. Dalawa lang naman mangyayari, pwedeng may humatak sayo pataas o malaglag ka na lang pababa. Ganun ka simple. Kung alam mo naman na pababa lang ang paraan mo para matigil na ang paghihirap mo kakabitin dyan, bitawan mo na. Mas mahirap nakabitin ng isang milyong taon at nakatingala ka paitaas, inaantay na may hahatak sayo, kesa sa tumingin ka sa paibaba malay mo isang dangkal na lang pala ang layo mo -- e d hindi ganoon kasakit ang bagsak mo.

2) Hindi talaga pwedeng mangyari yung lagi kang paitaas alam mo kung bakit? Kasi pag naabot mo agad ang langit ng walang kahirap-hirap at napakalayo mo na sa lupa, isang patid mo lang at nahulog ka imposibleng mabuhay ka pa. Kumpara sa minsan tumaas ka at minsan bumaba ka din, bumagsak ka man, mababa pa ang binagsakan mo -- kakayanin mo pa ang sakit.

3) Dadating at dadating ang oras na hindi mo oras, kasi kung lagi mong oras, hindi ka matututong gumawa ng mas maganda at makakaramdam ng mas minahal ka.

4) May mga bagay na gusto mo man tanggalin, pero sadyang hindi mo matanggal. Ito ay dahil hanggang ngayon hindi mo alam ang sagot kung kailangan mo lang sila para sa ikabubuti mo o mamahalin mo sila para sa ikabubuti mo. Minsan madamot ang talaga ang tao pero dapat mong intindihan dahil kung wala kahit isang kusing na kadamutan ang tao hindi ito matututo magmahal ng totoo dahil minsan ang kadamutan ay napapagpalit sa "pagmamahal sa sarili".

5) Ang "Go on Girl" ay mistulang kanta ni Ne-Yo lang. Hindi ito ginawa para patamaan ako o si Hershey o baka si Apple na din. Ang kanta ay nabibilang sa kategorya ng tula at ang tula ay madalas nasa ilalim ng kategoryang fiction o kathang isip.

Yesterday, actually it was like last morning? hmmm.. How will I say that? I hanged out with Len and Phil from 6pm - 330am haha! Yeah.

I miss those days, those friday nights, where we will meet usually in Phil's place chat, drink up to our limits and RIOT! haha!

Naalala ko noon, mag meet kami lagi sa place ni Phil. Minsan andyan si Paqs at Jae, minsan si Jorge at kung sino sino pa. Pero and hindi mawawala ako,si len at siyempre si Phil.

Hahaha! wala lang I'm just so happy. It feels like everything good from the past bumalik lahat kagabi.

Kahit hirap sa work basta sama sama lang masaya, kahit may time na nagsuka ako kina Phil at lagi nilang pinangaasar sa akin ok lang tawa pa rin kami ng tawa.

Can't explain it further. I'm the type of person who can't express a lot what she feels. (except when I'm severe sad/angry I can really write well :p (I need Psychiatric help I guess :p)) ginawa ko pang equation like yung sentence ko.

I miss those days kung hindi lang kami nagkawatak watak I wonder what it will be like in Getz Pharma -- riot nga ata hahaha! :p

If liking someone is as easy as 1,2,3 then I guess I'm dumb.

Minsan ka na nga lang magkakagusto na sigurado kang gusto mo, maling tao naman.

May tao namang gusto ka, ayaw mo naman.

May tao naman dyan hindi mo maintindihan kung gusto mo o hindi.

at ang pinakanakakatawa sayo

e yung taong gustong gusto mo -- ayaw mong lumalapit sayo.

Hahaha! See I guess I'm really dumb. :p

And there will really come a time that you’ll be fed up. You don’t know if it is because of what had just happened or is it because of the many minute things you just let passed or maybe – if this situation occurs in real life, you didn’t chose to let the minute things pass, you just didn’t realize it because simply they were minute – they were tolerable. Now that the situation is terribly irritating, the minute things bundled up become enormous and in just one snap you’re so, so angry.

There are just some people in the world who lives a crazier life compare to yourself and because of that you develop yourself into a superhero. Superhero, in a sense, you want to show them the other side of life, the bright one of course. You’ll be extra understanding towards them and if there will be up coming things that usually makes you mad that will be done by them, you’ll just let it pass – remember that you are now a developed superhero, your goal is to save them.

Wait, what is a superhero? What are superheroes?

Superheroes make life if not easier, easy. Their role in life is to save, save up to the end because they possess a noble heart. They understand every bad situation and always ready to fix it.

For every problem arises, superheroes will always have a solution.

Superheroes always do their very best to save you. They are always there to build you up. Even if sometimes you make them feel that you are only using them, they erase that on their minds because the best that they could give to you is to let you see that someone out there believes in you. Superheroes will be so damn proud when you prove yourself to them, even if not for the whole world, that you are worth it – worth of being saved. Most of all, superheroes have the ability to clear their minds when you do dreadful things. It’s a special ability that makes them see the big picture and it makes them understand why you have done such.

But sometimes, superheroes will reach their peaks. They will run out of powers and be weak that could lead them to retirement of saving but good thing; real superheroes could regenerate their powers and gain back their 100% strength.

But I am not real a superhero; I am only a developed one. I am still a mere human being. I could only make a step by step difference in your life. I may look limitless but I am not.

Now, you’re developed superhero reached her peak, do you think she could still regenerate her power– the ability of understanding you?

1) Meron lang talagang bagay na magulo, at maayos na yun ng lagay na yun, kasi pag pinakialaman mo pa at gumawa ka pa ng paraan para ayusin yun ang resulta e mas magulo pa. Sakit sa ulo.

2) Mahirap pag nasanay kang hindi kaagad makita ang bagay na gusto mo kasi lagi mong hinahanap ay ang pinakagusto mo, minsan kasi yung pinakagusto mo ay nandiyan nga sa harap mo kaso mali naman na magustuhan mo ito. Maging kuntento.

3) May mga bagay na inayawan mo na at dumating na ang oras na bibitawan mo na ito, pag dumating na pala yung oras na bibitaw ka na may pakiramdam pa palang matitira na gusto mo pang hawakan ito.

4) "Hindi mo man lamang isinangalang-alang" Tama ba ang spelling? Sinabi yan ng isang taong nabigla sa nangyari -- kasi inakala niyang hindi siya inisip ng taong malapit sa kanya nung gumawa ng desisyon ang taong yun na makakaapekto sa kanila. Nakakabigat ng loob.

5) "Naalala mo ba nung una tayong magkakilala sa may Starbucks sa Bluewave". Isang halimbawa ng pagbabalik tanaw. Nangyayari yan pag ang taong hindi mo akalain na magsasabi niyan ay hindi matanggap ang nangyaring paglisan sa taong napalapit sa kanya. Nakakalungkot.

6) "pls." ang shortcut ng please. Kaya nagkashortcut kasi kahit busy ang tao, basta may kailangan siyang iparating na importanteng mensahe gagawa at gagawa ng paraan yun. Nakakataba ng puso.

7) Siguro dapat wag kang magsalita ng tapos lalo na pag ang kausap mo ay yung taong ayaw mo naman maging tapos sa buhay mo. Kasi baka mamaya, sa kakasalita niyo ng tapos sa isa't isa e makita niyo sa huli na kayo pala dapat ang may magandang umpisa. Magisip bago magsalita.

8) Madaling tumingin ng positibo sa lahat ng bagay, kaso minsan kakatingin mo na positibo ang lahat -- natatakpan na ang realidad at nabubuhay ka na pala sa isang mundong masaya nga pero halos imbento lang ang lahat. Reality check always.

9) Habang inaamin, habang unti-unting sinasabi ang katotohanan, nakakagaan daw yun ng loob kasi wala ng sikreto na itinatago. Hindi ito applicable sa lahat, minsan kakaamin mo ng isang bagay na mali, lalong lumalala ang mali na yun, lalong lumalalim ang pag-gawa mo ng mali na yun kasi gumaan na ang loob mo kaya nakakayanan mo itong ipagpatuloy. Maging totoo muna sa sarili at isiping mabuti bago isiwalat sa iba.

10) Heartless. Kanta yun at hindi ako yun. yeah right hahaha!

**Sabi ko nung una hindi ito para sa mga broken hearted, sa totoo lang para ito sa shattered hearts hahaha!**
**Para na din sa lahat ng letter J daw sa buhay ko alamin na lang kung sino dun sa dami nila haha! malamang mali mali nanaman ang hula dito hahaha!*


Ang hirap no?.. Yung pakiramdam na split into two, kunwari ayaw mo na gusto mo din. Nakakabaliw. Siyempre pag ganyan dadaan ka sa weighing the pros and cons.. Paano kung equal? at paano kung yung cons e nababago at pwedeng madagdag as pros? Ang hirap talaga.

Minsan may mga bagay talaga na ayaw mong bitawan, pero sabi nga nila pag ang dami mo ng bitbit kailangan mong bitawan yung iba. Nasa state na ako na bibitaw na ako talaga kaso ang daming nahatak sa akin pabalik. Ang daming kamay, tipong kung asa edge na ako ng cliff eh talaga namang bubuhatin nila ako. Nalulungkot tuloy ako sa nangyayari.

"All my pride is all i have"
May pinapakinggan akong kanta ngayon, yung kay JLo All I have, hahaha! natatawa ako sa lyrics eh, tulad nung "All my pride is all i have" YUN NA LANG ANG NATITIRA sa akin. May nagsabi sa akin let go of the pride kasi baka daw yun yung nagiging hindrance para sa kaayusan, pero yun na nga lang ang meron ako pati ba yun ibibigay ko pa?

"it's such a shame that I'm leaving,
can't take the way you mistreated me"
Hindi naman talaga mistreated me but by what is happening and could be happening. Alam mo yung hindi naman kasi dapat ganun yung nangyayari at mangyayari, kaso minsan kahit anong pigil at ayos mo sa mga bagay na pawasak na, talagang minsan ata kailangang mawasak. Pag tinanong ako kung bakit? siguro kasi kung di ka magkakawasak sa buhay mo hindi ka matututong UMAYOS hahaha! Sabi yan sa text message siguro galing kay bob ong yan.

" 'Cause im good
Holding down my spot
And I'm good
Reppin the girls on the block
And I'm good
I got this thing on lock!
So without me you'll be fine, right? "
Lalo na to. Nalulungkot ako dito e. I'm good wala akong ginawa para sa hindi ikakabuti ng lahat, meron man e very minimal di naman ako perfect, close to perfect lang. Kaso tama ba? totoo bang kulang? Ano ba! Ano pa ba?? So without me you'll be fine, right? Hindi ko naman pinabayaan eh, so pag wala na ako siguro kakayanin naman ng papalit sa akin di ba? o malay natin siya pala ang nakatadhana talaga. Tapos na, I've reached my limits already. May nagsabi sa akin na pag hindi pa best ang result, hindi pa yun yung best mo. Sorry hanggang ngayon ayokong maniwala dun. Napapagod din ang tao, diyos lang hindi -- kahit na mukha at asal akong diyos hahaha :p

"The nights I've waited up for you
Promises you made about coming through"
Ayoko na. Salamat sa mga encouragement para tumatag ako pero tama na. Lalo lang akong nahihirapan e, pinipilit ko yung sarili ko sa inayawan ko na at pinapaniwala ko lang yung sarili ko sa alam kong hindi na totoo. Kailangan na ng major revision ang lahat. Hindi na siya mapapatch up. Tignan na lang natin natitirang oras, umiikili lalo, mabuti pa ngang mawala na ako.
Ayokong umabot sa madedevelop ako maging masama at sabihin ang "So much time you wasted,
Thats why I had to replace you" kasi alam ko deep down sa utak ko hindi ganun ang situation.

Ain't Nothin' you can say to me that can change my mind
I gotta let u go now, Nothin will ever be the same
So just be on your way, go ahead and do your thing now
And theres no more to explain to me ya kno
I know ya game I'm not feelin' what you do(and im good)
So I'm bouncing and I'm out son (im good)
I gotta leave you alone yeah yeah
Ayokong sabihin to. Kasi minsan sumasama yung loob ko pag nakikita ko yung iba na may chance, pinapakinggan at lahat, ako -- parang wala. Ilang beses nang pinaliwanag sa akin kung bakit ako nandito pa din at naiintindihan ko naman yun kaso, sana naiisip at nararamdaman din ang paghihirap ko. May nagsabi ulit sa akin na mabuti pang tapusin na ng asa maayos ayos pa ang lahat kesa tapusin ng dahil may galit o sama ng loob na nabuo.

All my pride is all I have... All I have. Ano ba tong sinusulat ko puro sabi ng iba, at kanta ng iba. Ako ano bang sabi ko? Read between the lines na lang. Talagang ganyan ako e VERY EXPRESSIVE. hahaha!